I decided to write a happy ending for the Donald Trump saga. I borrowed from a story I heard when I was just a wee little man. He/she who has ears to hear, let them hear.
One day Jesus was passing through New York City. And behold, there was a man named Donald J. Trump. He was fabulously wealthy – let me tell you.
Donald J. Trump had been told that he needed to appeal to evangelicals. “Maybe I should go see this Jesus guy. Not sure we’ll get along – I hear he’s not a Christian (but I love the Jewish people – I have many of them working at my Trump properties).”
Donald J. Trump could see Jesus through the crowd just fine, but on account of his being Donald J. Trump, he climbed into the TrumpCopter to see him (Jesus was about to pass that way, and you’ve got to make a good impression on the crowds).
Then Jesus said something no one expected:
“Donald J. Trump, hurry and come down, for I must stay at your Trump Tower today.”
(OK, Donald J. Trump expected it. The Trump Tower is classy – let me tell you.)
When the anti-Trump internet coalition heard this, they all grumbled, “He has gone in to be the guest of a racist, authoritarian, misogynistic windbag.” (There were other words, but we won’t print them here.)
They went and had some of the best taco bowls at Trump Tower Grill.
Nobody knows what Jesus said or did over those taco bowls at Trump Tower, but something strange happened. All we know is that Trump’s heart grew three sizes into a big, beautiful wall – sorry, heart – that day.
Donald J. Trump stood up. “Look, Jesus, you drive a hard deal. Harder than an ‘Art of the Deal’ deal. You’ve convinced me. Look, I’m going to give half of the revenue from my fabulous golf courses, Trump bottled water, Trump steaks, and other assorted Trump merchandise to the Syrian refugees and the Mexican immigrants.”
“If I’ve robbed any widows of their property for my Trump Plaza Casinos (OK, that’s not an ‘if’), I’m going to restore it four times over.”
Jesus raised an eyebrow.
“And I’ll pay the Mexicans back for the wall, too.”
Jesus was not having any of it. “And?” said Jesus.
“And take down the wall.”
Jesus laughed. “Today salvation has come to this very classy Tower. Donald J. Trump is also a child of God, and I came to seek and save the lost.”
After that, Donald J. Trump decided not to become president after all. He became an OK guy – or he started to become one, at least. He went on to a great career in anything but politics, bankrolled Spiderman (the classiest superhero in New York – not a lightweight like this “Superman” character), and gave TrumpCopter rides to neighborhood kids.
The anti-Trump internet coalition was dumbfounded. Most of them moved on to eviscerate/demolish/annihilate the opposing side in the Great Bathroom Wars of 2016. A few of them began to think the whole “love your enemy” thing might have something going for it.
Jesus went on to schedule an in-person meeting with Hillary (it took a while – his emails were bouncing).
And they all lived happily ever after – let me tell you.