An Open Letter to that Little Punk Kid Who Wants a Hippopotamus for Christmas

James Walpole/ November 17, 2017

Dear little girl who wants a hippo for Christmas,

You ignorant little twat.

You do realize that hippos are some of the world’s most dangerous animals, right?

Did your parents drop you a lot when you were little? I don’t have any other explanation for why you would want as a pet the animal that kills more humans yearly that EVERY OTHER LAND MAMMAL IN AFRICA. 

That’s right, kid. You’d be safer with a hyena. But I guess you wouldn’t want to be reminded what your singing voice sounds like.

Evidently your parents spoil you if this is even within the realm of possibility for a Christmas gift. So why for Pete’s sake didn’t you ask for, like, five puppies instead?

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinosauruses
I only likes hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me, too

Give me a break, kid. You can’t even name your African mammals properly. Rhinosauruses? You’re the reasons rhinoceroses are going extinct. I bet your parents are filthy poachers. That would explain a lot.

There’s lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage

You expect me to believe you can take care of an animal that can grow up to nearly 17 feet long and half a ton in weight?

You will die.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don’t think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won’t have to use a dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door
That’s the easy thing to do

I think Santa will mind very, very much.

Do you want to be responsible for killing Santa Clause? I bet some punk kid like you already killed him by wishing for a pet black mamba for Christmas.

Oh, by the way, there is no Santa Clause.

I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy, what surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

Oh what horror, what surprise when you open up your eyes and see your mangled parents lying there.

Hippo hero? These things kill their own young in disputes.

Find some better role models, kid. Did your parents never let you read Spider Man or something? Sheesh.

Mom says a hippo, would eat me up but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian

OK, this set me off, you ungrateful, arrogant little blight on childhood. Your Mom’s just looking out for you. Your teacher is right, but an idiot.

This animal you want for Christmas so bad? It won’t even do you the courtesy of using your body for sustenance after it kills you. It’ll just leave your bones out to bleach in the Christmas snow.

Hippos are little bastards, I know. I’m just trying to do you a favor by telling you. And if you send me off with a cute little melodic comeback, don’t come crying to me when your pet snaps your puppy in half and gets blood all over the presents.

Merry Christmas, kid,

A concerned citizen*

UPDATE: Apparently some people who have read this post have missed that it’s all tongue-in-cheek, which proves Poe’s Law again. Jeez.

James Walpole

James Walpole is a writer, startup marketer, and perpetual apprentice. You're reading his blog right now, and he really appreciates it. Don't let it go to his head, though.

1 Comment


    You’re more savage than the hippo.
    You’re more savage than Michael Savage.
    You’re more savage than a pack of hyenas getting devoured by a hippo.

    Well done, sir.

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