10 Things I Look For In a New Home or Apartment

I’m told it’s important to set realistic expectations for any kind of search of places to rent, so I’ve written down some of my modest goals:

1. Defensibility – Must have arrow slits, good battlements, and plenty of places from which boiling oil can be poured upon attacking enemies. Willing to pay extra for a moat.

2. Secret hiding places – Must be fully equipped to hide contraband goods or people from oppressive regimes and petty tyrants alike. I’m planning to run a speakeasy from this place, so it had better be soundproofed.

3. Hitching posts – All the kids these days are excited about those electric scooters. I say it’s time for horses to make a comeback in urban transportation. Horse droppings will also be my way of harassing the neighboring hostile city-state of Atlanta (see #5).

4. Dancefloor – I need a good hardwood dancefloor where all the locals can cut footloose to great music from 80 years ago.

5.  Sovereign nation status – Must be a free and independent kingdom in which all human relationships are voluntary and no rulers are allowed. Also, we pay nothing in city taxes. See #1.

6. Generational curse and/or ghosts – See #1. There’s nothing like a good curse and/or haunting to keep out your enemies.

7. Orchestra pit – Orchestra pits are a must. One of these days I’m going to want a live soundtrack for my day to day life.

8. Bazaar/center of trade – Must be a center of trade for the riches of the East and West. I expect to see silk merchants from China trading with port merchants from Portugal on a daily basis or else I’ll be quite disappointed.

9. Firepole. Simply the quickest way to get downstairs to eggs and bacon for breakfast.

10. Resident Navy SEAL. Alarm clocks are so old-fashioned. I want to wake up every day to the barking of a BUD/S instructor.

Photo by Céderic Vandenberghe on Unsplash

James Walpole

James Walpole is a writer, startup marketer, and perpetual apprentice. You're reading his blog right now, and he really appreciates it. Don't let it go to his head, though.

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