Does your child love education? It’s so important that our parents give them the right tools to succeed in our school system.

This fall, send them back to class prepped for success in real education with this list from yours truly:

  1. Google and a laptop
  2. $1.50 for late fees at the local library
  3. Scribd.com subscription for books to read while ignoring the teachers: The FountainheadEconomics In One Lesson, The Education of Millionairesand John Taylor Gatto’s Weapons of Mass Instruction
  4. Contraband homemade lunches
  5. A/V equipment for organizing alternative classes in the hallway
  6. Pocket Constitution so your kid can protest unreasonable search and seizure
  7. Cloak of Invisibility
  8. Phone number of a friend who knows a lot about law and can sound like a lawyer when put on the phone with the principal
  9. Backpack with LOTS of hidden pockets
  10. John Taylor Gatto and/or Peter Gray. If together, pass them off as the child’s gay grandfathers
  11. Hollowed-out textbooks for storing interesting books
  12. Black armbands for *solidarity,* man
  13. Yoga mat for mindfulness during the boring classes
  14. Flashdrive with TAILs and VPN subscription for private, anonymous, unrestricted Internet access
  15. Well-trained horse. Fast transportation – no license required
  16. Fiverr and 99Designs accounts so your kid can get the world’s top freelancers to do his/her homework assignments.
  17. WordPress.org website so your kid can broadcast any remotely valuable school work for potential future employers
  18. Wearable body-cam to keep that school system accountable
  19. Temporary gang symbol tattoo so teachers know not to mess with your kid
  20. Pre-loaded Lynda.com account so your kid can learn actual skills in study hall
  21. Marauder’s Map
  22. Private Slack/Voxer account so your kid can start a school-wide chat and NOT invite the teachers
  23. Sufficient capital for starting school black market/unauthorized business
  24. eBay account for selling off government school assets that no one will miss
  25. Pre-signed doctor’s notes and vacation notes
  26. Inflatable decoy that looks like your kid
  27. Direwolf. Enough said.
  28. Cash to bribe teachers and school administrators
  29. Forged detention release passes
  30. Jehovah’s Witness membership card so your kid doesn’t have to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance
  31. Fake blood (free nurse visits! Get it from your nearest actor’s supply store)
  32. Thumb drives preloaded with the best of the School Sucks podcast.
  33. Secret lair for Resistance meetings
  34. A seeing eye dog, but really it’s just an awesome dog that will make your kid look cool.
  35. Printer for producing revolutionary leaflets
  36. Infiltrators from the local Sudbury school 
  37. Positive non-school role models
  38. Encouragement through the rough school years
  39. Number 2 pencils

Anything I’m missing? If this isn’t the last school supply list you’ll ever need, I don’t know what is.

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